As a kid, you knew the rules. Rule #1 was to never lie to your parents. But now that your aging parents are resisting the help they need, you may find yourself wondering if a white lie may be in order. When straight talk isn’t working, is it time for a “fiblet”?
Mrs. Green is 82. She made the decision to move out of the family home and into a one-level apartment near her daughters when her husband died 15 years ago. Five years ago, she was diagnosed with MCI (Mild Cognitive Impairment). Her daughters Denise and Donna were able to step in and support their mom by taking her to medical appointments, monitoring her finances and checking in on her regularly.
Over time, people became aware of the increased memory loss and ongoing changes with Mrs. Green. Eventually, she was diagnosed with dementia. Her daughters realized their mom needed more supervision for safety purposes and needed assistance with her daily routines.
Denise and Donna both work and have their own families. They needed to bring in a private caregiver to help, but Mrs. Green refused to allow a “stranger” to come into her home. “Why would I pay someone to do what? Sit and look at me? I am fine and do not need help.”
It is not uncommon for older adults with or without dementia to be resistant to help. When a person has taken care of themselves and their families all their lives, why would they stop now? Self-awareness in people with dementia can be impaired, meaning individuals are not able to recognize the changes in their abilities and the need for additional support in many areas of their lives.
Getting help for Mrs. Green has become a real challenge for her daughters, who have tried on many occasions to explain to their mom her need for help. These honest conversations seem to go in a circle and end up the same. “No, NO, NO!!” It may be time to change their approach; it’s time to use a “fiblet.”
“A therapeutic ‘fiblet” is just that — it is therapeutic because it calms, reduces anxiety and protects self-esteem,” says Emily Saltz, MSW, LICSW, CMC, former president of the Aging Life Care Association™.
Mrs. Green may be willing to allow a “friend” of her daughters into her home to help with “cleaning.” Mrs. Green feels comfortable and safe with her daughter’s “friend,” versus a stranger or paid caregiver. Soon, this relationship develops, and the friend now comes regularly and increases the assistance she provides, helping to prepare lunch, talking a walk with Mrs. Green, and other needed tasks.
When to use a “Fiblet”
The following were most often identified by Aging Life Care Professionals™ as situations when it can actually be therapeutic to tell a “fiblet” to your aging parent:
- When they are refusing needed care/assistance at home
- When they can no longer safely drive but insist on driving anyway
- When knowing the cost of in-home care/help prevents them from accepting needed services
- When telling them about family problems that they can’t solve and will only cause worry and stress
As a part of a survey, Aging Life Care Professionals were asked to provide comments about their experience in recommending the use of a “fiblet.” A common theme of the comments was that family members should navigate this delicate area with the help of a support group or from an experienced professional. Aging Life Care experts also stressed that one should only use a “fiblet” to protect and support a family member, rather than for personal gain or benefit.
Mrs. Green was receptive to her daughter’s “friend” coming over to help with some “cleaning” chores. Very quickly, they developed a rapport and Mrs. Green looked forward to her daily visits. Utilizing a “fiblet” in this situation allowed support and assistance for Mrs. Green. Keeping her safely in her home and giving her daughters a peace of mind.
Original article: https://www.northeastohioboomer.com/blogger/is-it-okay-to-lie-to-your-aging-parents/