By Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
It is common for caregivers to go through various stages of anger as they care for a loved one with dementia. Watching our loved one change, repeating ourselves, re-explaining and answering the same questions and giving repeated information can be exhausting, frustrating, sad, and at times may leave us feeling angry, then guilty.
Recently, I have been learning more about the anger an individual with dementia may be dealing with, as well. As caregivers, it is important we understand and consider what our loved one may be going through and feeling.
The National Council of Dementia Minds is made up of individuals with dementia. They share their insights and valuable information on many things, including the anger that comes with dementia.
A few things the council has expressed, and as caregivers, we should consider as we support a loved who may struggle with anger:
- The importance of rest cannot be overestimated. Good sleep and adequate breaks throughout the day are imperative.
- The caregiver should try to understand how hard the person with dementia is working to function without getting upset. Getting through the day with dementia is exhausting.
- A person with a healthy brain starts their day by easily getting out of bed, using the bathroom, maybe taking a shower, getting dressed and heading to breakfast without any real effort, running on autopilot for these routine tasks. For a person with dementia, all those steps take a tremendous amount of contemplation and effort. The mental energy gets depleted for a person with dementia, and they have no option but to rest and recharge. If the caregiver does not understand the effort being used, keeps pushing the individual to keep going and hurry in the process, this is a trigger for the anger and frustration.
What shouldn’t a caregiver do when their loved one with dementia gets angry?
- Don’t argue.
- Don’t interfere.
- Don’t speak from a place of superiority.
- Don’t try to tell a loved one how they are feeling.
- Do leave the individual alone and let them have time to work on themselves; even sitting and resting for a bit.
- If you want to offer help, ask, “May I help you?” Never just start helping and assume it will be appreciated.
- Cajoling can just make things worse, and the following statements can make everything worse:
“But you did it yesterday.”
“But you love doing this.”
“How can you be tired?”
“You have not done anything yet!”
“Everyone will be so disappointed if you don’t come.”
Anger is often a secondary emotion in response to something like shame, humiliation or embarrassment. We should try to understand the emotion behind the emotion.
It is so important, as caregivers, that we continually check in with ourselves. Are we coming across as condescending or patronizing? This will trigger anger in our loved ones. Individuals with dementia need support and patience. They need to feel supported, cared for and safe to be themselves.
It is important we don’t make the person we are supporting defend their dementia. This is difficult because they may no longer have the skills to do so.
What a great insight from this council and something we need to be aware of, the anger our loved ones may be trying to cope with. For more insights for individuals with neurocognitive disorders check out their website: dementiaminds.org/
Original Article: https://www.northeastohiothrive.com/blogs/anger-whats-the-connection/