By: Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
Aging comes with uncertainty and challenges. As we help our parents or loved ones through a medical diagnosis, adjust to changes in their abilities or needs, and address finances or care, one issue can make the situation more challenging: siblings.
In my practice over the past 10 years, no caregiving challenge has caused more anger or divisiveness than a neglectful adult sibling.
Family Matters
Sarah is furious with her brother. He infrequently visits their mother or offers any assistance. Yet Sarah is at her mother’s house daily, trying to keep everything afloat. Sarah gets aggravated with her brother; he rarely calls, and when he shows up a couple of times a year, he seems indifferent to their mother’s needs.
Oftentimes, caregivers like Sarah eventually and bitterly accept that their siblings won’t help. They vow to end their relationship with the sibling(s) after their parent dies, a threat they often follow through with, leading to a permanent split in the family.
Before deciding to sever a sibling relationship, consider a different way to engage neglectful or disinterested siblings in what should be a united effort to support a common parent. Write them a letter — not a text or an email — but a hand-written letter sent by mail.
In our fast-paced world, we breeze through inboxes, scrolling, browsing and deleting communication in nanoseconds. Writing a letter, on the other hand, offers valuable benefits to both the composer and the recipient. The process of writing allows an individual to sit, reflect and thoughtfully express their points and the message they hope to convey.
For the recipient, finding a handwritten letter in the mailbox may capture their attention, allowing them to take the time to open the envelope, see their sibling’s handwriting, and realize the effort and time that was put into this message.
Two things to consider:
- Make a straightforward appeal, not a direct attack
Try to state your subject content in a factual, nondramatic tone. Sarah might say, “Dave, taking care of Mom is not easy some days. I could use more support. Would you be willing to help in any capacity?” Include a specific and manageable way for the sibling to help. For example, “Dave, may I send you Mom’s recent insurance forms to look over?” - Make it personal
As with any invitation to engage, the letter should include a request for a response with a timeline. Any response, even excuses for why a sibling can’t help, is better than no response. Sarah might write, “I’m not asking you to help with the caregiving just for Mom’s sake. I’m asking you to help me. If you decide to help, then I’ll know you value our relationship. If you decide not to help, then I will have my doubts.”
If your sibling does not respond or the response is not what you were hoping for, take some satisfaction in knowing that you did your best to express yourself and describe the situation. You may have planted a seed for further discussions and, just maybe, some help.
If your initial outreach doesn’t bring any resolution, you may also consider seeking outside professional help from an objective, trained mediator. The main thing is to try. Just know when to let go to reduce your own stress, keep your life in balance and provide the best care for your parent.
Original article: https://www.northeastohioboomer.com/magazine/caregiving-and-managing-sibling-conflicts/