By Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
Michelle was worried about her friend Jane, 57, a wife, mom and working professional. She had not been her usual self for the past two years.
Michelle noticed many small changes in her friend. Jane had gained weight and stopped taking care of herself.
For example, Jane, just like her mother, had a full head of gray hair at an early age. She had been faithful about keeping up her beautiful brunette-colored hair, but no longer seemed to care how her hair looked, gray or otherwise.
Jane had always been the life of the party and the one who wanted to stay for “just one more.” An avid reader, she had loved playing games, trying new recipes and always texting and planning the next fun thing to do.
In every area of her life, Jane had slowly lost interest and her spunk.
Gentle Inquiry
Michelle often had asked Jane over the past year if something was wrong. Jane assured her friend she was fine. Michelle wondered if Jane and her husband were having difficulties in their marriage, or if the changes were related to menopause, her mother’s death or depression.
After some time, Michelle simply decided to back off; Jane said she was fine and wasn’t interested in talking more about the situations that concerned Jane.
The question is: how far do you push when you are concerned about a loved one? When are you crossing boundaries? What if they don’t want to talk about changes, concerns, or problems? What if they choose to do nothing, and ask to be left alone? How far do you push when it seems clear something is wrong, possibly medically?
No Clear Answers
These are difficult questions and, like most things in life, there is not one answer. Consider the following things when bringing up a tough subject with a loved one:
Location—Be aware of your surroundings before starting a difficult conversation. For instance, are you in public, at the doctor’s office, in front of other people, or at the dinner table? A private, safe, comfortable location may lead to a potentially productive conversation.
Timing—Is the person watching a favorite program, getting ready for an appointment, waiting for a family member to stop by, or not feeling well that day? Talking about difficult subjects can be more productive and meaningful when timed correctly.
State your concern clearly with love—Be clear and direct, especially if their health is fragile. Provide examples of your concerns in a caring way. Keep in mind that you may have to repeat this step several times before your loved one considers your suggestions.
Listen—Conversations are a two-way street. We often spend most of our time formulating a response instead of devoting our attention to what someone says. Tune in to their words to understand their point of view. This may help to find the middle ground.
Take a Time-Out—Despite your best intentions, conversations don’t always go smoothly. Take a break if the discussion becomes uncomfortable, then return to the conversation when the situation is calmer.
Work Together—A conversation allows a loved one to hear your concerns. Difficult subjects take time, can be a process, and often involve more than one discussion.
End a Difficult Conversation—Sometimes conversations do not go smoothly. When that happens, it may be best to end the discussion and resume it later with another approach. One of the best ways to end a difficult conversation is by agreeing to disagree. You both may not agree, but you’re not going to argue or be upset with each other.
Unfortunately, Michelle was correct; something was changing with her friend, Jane. She had a tumor growing on her brain, a very aggressive type of brain cancer. The small signs over the past two years were symptoms related to that diagnosis.
Michelle still struggles with the fact she was not more direct with her dear friend who died seven months after the tumor was finally discovered at a very late stage. She regrets that she didn’t talk more directly to Jane about the changes she saw and pushed harder for a conversation because she didn’t want to offend her with direct questions about her appearance and other changes. Would it have made a difference? Would Jane have responded if Michelle started the conversation earlier and been more direct? Michelle will never know.
Difficult conversations are hard, but what if that difficult conversation allowed your loved one to address an issue sooner, reducing difficult treatment or discomfort? Live longer?
Always enter a tough conversation with open ears and understand that sometimes a resolution won’t be reached in one conversation or potentially at all. Be respectful when raising sensitive issues with a loved one, let them know it all comes from your love and concern for them.
Original Article: https://www.northeastohioboomer.com/2024-editions/difficult-conversations/