By Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
One very common challenge we all face as we age is accepting aging, how it affects every system in our bodies and the reality we will all likely need assistance and support at some point in our lives. Understanding ourselves and being aware of the changes we are going through as we age is something many of us do not want to even think about, let alone accept.
Everyone I have ever met, both personally and professionally, does not want to end up in a “nursing home” or lose their autonomy, their independence. Yet, many of us are reluctant or simply refuse to allow support or assistance to potentially stop or delay this from happening. Allowing help is one of the most common challenges individuals and families face.
I often hear adult children, spouses, family members or friends say:
“My mom refuses to allow help.”
“No way will my husband allow a caregiver to assist.”
“My grandmother will never let a stranger in her house to help.”
“My friend is embarrassed and will not use a walker.”
If we really stop and think about how common denying the need for varying types of support is, we may gain some insight into what a loved one is going through.
For a simple example, think about someone stopping by your home unannounced. Many of us may think: “Oh, no. My house is a mess, I haven’t combed my hair or brushed my teeth. They will see my stacks of unopened bills, carpet stains where my pet has had accidents, empty wine bottles on the counter…” whatever it may be for each of us. The unexpected visitor is invading our privacy; we suddenly feel exposed. “What will they think of me? That I’m lazy, a slob, a drinker,…” whatever we may be thinking is uncomfortable and feels like we are being judged.
Now, think about a loved one who is older, facing medical challenges and decline. This level of invasion of privacy goes beyond their surroundings of the home but now to their person. Understanding how difficult it may be to accept help later in life is not easy. For some of us, even starting with ourselves, thinking about our own acceptance of aging can be a first step. Are we afraid of getting old? Will we recognize our need for help? What might it be like to need help with personal hygiene or do we choose to simply not think about it and let chips fall as they may?
Maybe your loved one has never really thought about things, isn’t aware of their changing needs and therefore simply will continue to do what they always have, even though they are no longer able to or are clearly at an elevated risk for increasing their reliance on the need for total care or worse.
Pride and privacy are typically at the root of my “mom refuses help” or “my husband won’t allow a caregiver to assist with hygiene” or “my friend won’t be seen in public with a walker.” This is not just about them being stubborn; they are holding on to what we all value, independence. Maybe we can’t change our older loved one’s mind at this point in their journey. We can work on what our journey may be like and as a result, end up a better support to those along the way.
Taking time to think about the changes you may be going through yourself or could go through in the future is the first step. Most of us, for at least some portion of our lives, will require assistance. Maybe it’s a hearing aid, the realization you can no longer manage your home, or your mobility changes because of a fall or chronic condition. Will you be open to accepting assistance and new ways of managing your ongoing decline and change? These are big questions and thinking about them now may help you later and those who may be caring and assisting you in the future. Next month, we will discuss tips and ideas to help with some of the tough issues of pride and privacy.
Most people have a difficult time accepting the many changes that happen to us as we age. No matter how we choose to take care of our health, the hands of time are a reality. Understand the benefits of taking good care of yourself.
Original Article: https://www.northeastohiothrive.com/blogs/refusing-help-part-1/