By Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
My previous (February 2025) blog post discussed why someone we care about may refuse help, even when it is clear they are putting themselves at a greater risk of harm or losing their independence faster; even altogether.
It is not just about an individual being stubborn. As with all things in life, it is more complicated and different for each one of us, based on so many factors in our lives. It is the innate drive to maintain our independence, to ignore the reality life is changing and so are we. It’s the stigma, all the unwanted, undesirable traits our society works so hard on telling us to fight, from wrinkles, aches, pains, forgetfulness, and simple life habits from sleep, appetite, friends, activities and the list goes on.
Admitting and accepting these undesirable, unwanted changes can affect who we are, how we see ourselves, our identity. We think we must hold on tightly to our lifelong identities, or else who will we be? Some individuals are more willing to accept the hands of time. Others are never going to accept the changing realities of their lifespan.
What can we do when a loved one will not accept help, support and assistance?
- Work on understanding your loved one. To them, accepting help is more than just someone helping, or the need to use a device such as a walker or hearing aid. For them, it may be about accepting a major life change, a change in their identity, the acceptance of aging and the reality of their mortality.
- Start small and exercise patience. You know your loved one, so accept it is going to take time. Include many strategic conversations about changes, challenges and potential options.
- Be aware of your approach. Is it a good time to bring up a difficult subject? Does your loved one feel well? Is it their best time of day? Are others around? Is their favorite TV program on? Be aware of the environment and pay attention to the little details when deciding to have difficult conversations. Always be respectful of their dignity, remember this isn’t just about their need for help getting dressed in the morning, it is about their identity and their independence you are talking about.
- Practice active listening. Try to listen when you are bringing up the delicate subject of more support or assistance. Hold your thoughts, responses, examples, and really listen. Sometimes it may be best to end the conversation after they have given their reasons why they are perfectly fine and don’t need help. Give them time to think and potentially hear themselves.
- Explore alternative options. Maybe you are not the best person to talk to or help your loved one see the need for support. Perhaps there is someone else they hold in high regard, and for whatever reason, your loved one may respond better to someone else on this difficult subject. Maybe an elder law attorney, a physician, pastor, colleague, a care manager/social worker or a different family member. Try not to take this personally, but rather, focus on the goal of supporting your loved one the best you can.
- Offer options and hear their suggestions. Having a say or the ability to make a choice is something all of us want, need and gives us a sense of control. Even the smallest choices make a difference and may open negotations, willingness and acceptance.
- Re-frame the situation. If your loved one will not allow assistance for themselves, would they be willing to do it for you? Make the conversation about you and your needs. Their acceptance will provide you/family with a great gift.
- Think about your future self. What if you are in a position of needing assistance in some form, and a loved one is discussing it with you, how do you hope you will respond? What do you think would be important for others to do, say or know? Depending on your loved one’s situation, you may be able to share these thoughts with them. At least you are helping prepare yourself to be in a better position when your time comes.
Ultimately, your loved one may continue to refuse help for many reasons until the day they die. We must accept this reality, as well. We will continue to try with love, dignity and respect, doing the best we can. Unfortunately, for some it may take a crisis before change happens and it often can result in a greater loss of independence than it could potentially have been. In the meantime, know you are doing the best you can. Love them and try to enjoy the time you have together, all while thinking, learning and accepting your own aging journey.
Original Article: https://www.northeastohiothrive.com/blogs/refusing-help-part-ii/