By: Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
Several years ago, I had a client, named Susan, hire our team to assist her with two main goals: keeping her husband with dementia at home and supporting her as she continued to work on leaving her adult daughters the gift of a dying well.
Susan had ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). When I met her, she still had some use of her vocal cords, and limited mobility. Within a few months, the muscles in her throat continued to weaken and her voice was completely gone. Susan then utilized a tablet to write out her words and a wheelchair to get around. I will never forget the amazing outlook, understanding and work she accomplished to not only live well, regardless of challenges and daily losses, but to ensure she was going to die well.
A “Good Death” is not a term we are familiar with and most of us certainly are not comfortable with it, either. In fact, many of us have difficulty even thinking about death, let alone talking and preparing for it.
Eighty-five percent of us have not discussed our last wishes yet with loved ones. Many studies in the field of psychology have found that, when reminded subconsciously of death, people tend to drive faster, drink harder, smoke more and get meaner — all in attempts to lower their anxiety.
Our current health care system is designed to keep individuals alive, and most of the time, they do, utilizing every conceivable procedure, medicine, treatment possible to avoid death. Even if there is absolutely no quality of life left, avoiding death is the goal.
Today, much of the information coming at us is focusing on living well and staying as young we can. As we all work hard to age well, we also need to focus on dying well. This counters our current culture.
“Avoid terms like ‘died’ or “death” in condolence letters” ~Amy Vanderbilt, The Complete Book of Etiquette
“Death is UnAmerican” ~Arnold Toynbee, Historian
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” ~Woody Allen, Actor
Accepting and working to die well looks different for each of us, based on our beliefs, values, life circumstances and willingness to understand and accept death as part of life. “An awareness of dying, of death, can wake us up to life. It helps us live a life that’s rich and full and meaningful. When we deny the truth of dying, we live less wholeheartedly, less completely,” says Frank Ostaseski, founder of the pioneering San Francisco Zen Hospice Project and author of “The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully.”
Although death is different for each of us, there are four processes which may help:
- Think about and define what are the priorities in your life.
- Begin important conversations about what you want for the end of your life
- Begin to think about medical and burial decisions
- Open the spiritual process – whether we have religious beliefs or not, death can spur spiritual thoughts
I think back to my client, Susan. She clearly defined what was important and her priorities in life, she talked about them with her daughters many times. She planned for what and how she wanted the end of her life to look like. She took steps to get things in order, including decisions about what support she would need and her burial. The work she did was not easy, she relied on her faith, her family and close friends. Susan truly met her goal of giving and teaching her daughters not to fear death but how to have a good death.
Facing the reality of death, as hard and heartbreaking as that can be, can free us to truly live life.
Original Article: https://www.northeastohioboomer.com/blogs/a-good-death/