By Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
On her way home from work, Cindy stopped to say hello to her mom and see how her day was going. Her mom had moved into an assisted living apartment about 10 months prior. It has been a big adjustment for her 84-year-old mother.
Her mom is slowly starting to settle in and has enjoyed a few of the activities offered. When Cindy arrived, her mom was upset and said, “They have been stealing my things!” Cindy asked her mom what was missing and who she thought was taking her items. Her mom said, “Whenever I leave my apartment, they come in and take whatever they can, including my important papers, money, and items from the bathroom.”
These accusations have become more frequent and upsetting to her mother. Cindy knows her mom has no money or “important papers” in her apartment. Cindy moved her mom into the apartment and has a complete inventory of all her things, including knowing her mom has no cash on the premises. Cindy’s visits have been turning into search-and-rescue missions often accompanied by arguments.
If this scenario sounds familiar, it is important to take all accusations seriously, as things do and can happen. We also need to be aware that it is not at all uncommon for confusion to occur when a loved is having changes in their cognitive functioning, such as dementia, a potential infection and/or other challenges. The brain can begin to link facts and details in unusual ways. As the brain starts to change, a false-memory phenomenon can occur. This causes the individual to perceive reality differently than those around them and can lead to accusations, perceptions of things missing, and increased suspicions.
For example, it is important to realize many individuals living with dementia are no longer in control of their money and it can be easy or natural to assume, think or feel that someone stole their money. Items that can easily be misplaced (like glasses or a TV remote control) individuals may think others are obviously stealing their belongings, especially if someone is around new caregivers, or individuals they are not familiar with. Another example is when an individual with dementia is told they need to stay in a certain place or they must have someone with them before they can go outside or leave a building. It is easy to see how they could think or feel they are being held hostage or prisoner.
These types of accusations can be extremely hurtful to hear, and/or completely unreasonable, but it is very important to remember these accusations are not personal attacks against loved ones or caregivers. Rather, it is the brain working to make sense of what is happening and may create alternate versions of reality to help compensate or cope.
4 Ways to Cope with False Accusations
- Don’t take it personally – Stay calm, look at the individual and allow them to be heard. Show that you care about how they are feeling.
- Keep your response simple – Offering logical answers and long explanations of how what they are stating cannot possibly be true can often lead to more confusion and agitation.
- Distract with something pleasant – Validate that you heard and switch to a favored subject, topic, activity or location.
- Supply extra or relocated items – If it is the same items that seem to be “taken” repeatedly, keep a few spares of the item to replace with or if you locate the missing item, return to the individual or spot they keep it and be thankful it’s located. Move on; no need to review how they were wrong, and how it wasn’t stolen, just in a different spot.
Cindy soon discovered the “important papers” her mom was referring to were the assisted living facility’s daily newsletter and activity calendar. Her mom would not read them, but rather stack and keep them on a nearby table. The cleaning service would often throw out the old copies, thinking they were no longer needed. To Cindy’s mom, keeping those papers was important. When Cindy discovered this, she was able to talk with the cleaning department to ensure they did not throw away her moms’ papers.
False accusations can be challenging and can cause a variety of emotions for those caring for individuals with this type of brain change along with the individual themselves. Remember, as their world is changing, they are trying to cope with all the changes they are undergoing, which can be overwhelming and result in suspicion, disbelief and delusion.
Be respectful, listen and redirect to manage this tough situation. Know that you are not alone, and false accusations are not personal attacks on you. Rather, it’s a way for your loved one to manage their ever-changing world.
Original Article: https://www.northeastohioboomer.com/blogs/help-my-mom-is-making-angry-accusations/