By: Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
Your Life Philosophy; Choosing Happiness
Mike and Barb are in their early 60s and have been married for more than 25 years. They are great friends who share many common interests; rarely was one without the other.
One evening many years ago, Mike and Barb had friends over to play cards and have a few beers. Everyone was enjoying the evening. Around 10 p.m., Barb decided to say good-night, as she had a busy morning planned. Mike and a couple of his friends decided to stay up a little later. After the friends left, Mike fell asleep in his recliner until around 4 a.m. and made his way to bed. He quickly realized something was wrong with Barb. She was not responding when he was talking to her, and her face looked different. He called 911 and soon they discovered she had had a major stroke. Barb has remained paralyzed on one half of her body including her ability to swallow. She requires 24-hour care, including assistance with all transfers.
Mike has been by Barb’s side for the past 12 years since her stroke, doing everything he possibly could to ensure the best care for her. Initially, he insisted on taking care of her at home, hiring a caregiver during the day while he went to work. When he came home from work, he was on duty until he left for work the next morning. After three years, it was clear he could no longer physically or emotionally continue this way. Her needs were too great, and he was beyond exhausted.
Caring for a loved one is an emotionally and physically taxing responsibility that inevitably wears us down and exposes our limitations. We’re only human, and the demands of caregiving regularly set us up to feel inadequate in a variety of ways. When we feel inadequate, guilt nearly always follows.
It’s important to recognize how caregiver guilt manifests itself, because if you can see the signs for what they are, it’s easier to believe that you’re not alone. Common ways caregiver guilt manifests itself:
- You feel guilty for not being able to do everything. You feel as if you’re pouring all your energy into giving your loved one everything he or she needs, but it’s still not enough. There’s always something more to do, and you can’t keep up.
- You feel guilty because your loved one’s condition is not improving. No matter what you do, your loved one is still suffering, and his or her condition might even be getting worse. You feel guilty because you can’t make everything better.
- You feel guilty because you sometimes resent your loved one. You are exhausted by everything you do as a caregiver, but your loved one doesn’t appreciate everything you’re doing. He or she may be irrationally critical or demand more and more from you as time goes on. You’re frustrated and resentful, and you feel awful about it.
- You feel guilty for enjoying yourself. While your loved one suffers, you feel as if you have no right to be happy or to have good things in your life.
Caregiver Guilt is common, and every caregiver experiences the stresses caring for another induces. These are just a few of the obstacles caregivers face and guilt is a reaction to them:
- Caregivers spend less time with their families
- Caregivers get less sleep
- Caregivers are more likely to struggle with their jobs
- Caregivers are more often exposed to conflicts and stress in their relationships
- Caregivers have little time left to do things that make them happy
What can we do about guilt?
- Accept guilt as inevitable and we all experience it. We cannot make it go away entirely. We need to focus on ways to manage our guilt so that it doesn’t hurt us or our loved ones.
- Don’t expect to solve every problem. No one can. You won’t be able to end your loved one’s suffering and accomplish every task that’s put in front of you. No one can, and you shouldn’t hold yourself to an unrealistic standard.
- Understand that negative feelings are normal. Caring for someone with dementia, mental illness or many other chronic conditions is frustrating, anger-inducing, and sometimes demoralizing. Anyone in a caregiving situation is going to feel negative about their responsibilities and their loved one’s demands sometimes. Accept that you’re not a bad person for feeling this way.
- Live your life. Don’t give up on the things that make you happy. You’re not helping your loved one by being miserable yourself; taking care of yourself is important.
- Get help: A caregiver support group, your doctor, pastor or friends.
Mike finally realized he could no longer safely care for Barb at home. He accepted and understood a team could support and potentially offer Barb more than in their current situation. Barb was moved into a long-term care facility where she receives safe care, engaged with many more individuals. When Mike comes to visit, he can be just her husband and simply enjoy the time together the best they can, given the circumstances.
Original Article: https://www.northeastohioboomer.com/blogs/coping-with-caregiver-guilt/