By: Jennifer Beach, LSW, MA, C-SWCM
Last week, I had the opportunity to work with a lovely couple, Tim and Kelly. They are in their upper 50s, recent empty-nesters and caregivers of Kelly’s father. Her father has been living with them for the past 10 years.
It is not as common as it once was to have an elderly parent(s) move into the adult children’s home for a variety of reasons including geography, work schedules, child rearing, home functionality and accessibility to meet aging loved ones needs, family dynamics… or many times, the parent simply does not want to.
In the case of Tim and Kelly, her 96-year-old father has been living with them for the past decade. As her father’s needs continue to change and his overall health is declining, Kelly and Tim are struggling. They recognize his changing needs are becoming more and more difficult to manage. The incontinence, ER visits and changes in mobility are all taking a toll on their marriage, household, work and overall life. Kelly struggles with “the promise” she made to her father: She would never put him in a nursing home.
I have worked with and know many people both professionally and personally who have made “the promise” to a parent, spouse or sibling or have asked someone in their own life to make them “the promise.” I have not met one person in my professional experience (or personal) who wants to go to a nursing home. We all want to remain in our own homes, live independently or at least have the help of those we love and are comfortable with.
But the reality is unthinkable. Things happen in our lives: accidents, cancer, neurological disorders, strokes, and old-fashioned aging all may require a level of care we simply cannot provide at home and/or we may not have the resources to provide at home. Caring for a loved one when they require a high level of care also includes ensuring their safety and well-being. Dealing with the guilt of “the promise” only adds to and intensifies the challenges of the entire situation for everyone involved.
Cheryl E. Woodson, M.D., a geriatrician, family caregiver to her mother with Alzheimer’s, and author of “To Survive Caregiving: A Daughter’s Experience, A Doctor’s Advice on Finding Hope, Help and Health,” says that you can still honor the spirit of your promise even if you must break it.
Whether your loved one is laying on the guilt or the blame is largely self-imposed, you must work at accepting and letting go. You can’t change their disease, condition or medical circumstance. If their situation has progressed, requiring a higher level of care, and you are not able to meet their needs safely, it is time to honor the goal of always caring for them and doing your best. But this may not mean at home as you once promised, and that is ok.
Trying to keep a senior at home is commendable, but at some point, if things become unsafe and unsustainable for both of you, it is time to accept these changes. One person attempting to do the same job as an entire team can be detrimental to your loved one’s health and your own physical and mental health.
Placing a senior in a nursing home can feel like a monumental failure, but this isn’t the case. Accepting the reality of the situation and adjusting your attitude can help you realize that you are fulfilling the underlying commitment you made to your loved one. If you made “the promise,” this meant you would ensure they receive the best possible care in a comfortable setting as best as you could. If you have researched available options and resources and still decide a nursing home is the only viable option, then work on letting go of the of the guilt. You have done all you can. You have honored the spirit of your promise and are making a difficult decision to ensure your loved one is properly cared for. That’s exactly what being a good caregiver is all about.
Original Article: https://www.northeastohioboomer.com/blogs/the-promise/